Are You in A Codependent Relationship? 27 Things You Need to Know
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Are you in a codependent relationship? 27 things you need to know – discussed at length to help you figure out where you are and what to do. Codependent relationships can be extremely damaging, especially for the individuals involved. It’s important to recognize if you are in a codependent relationship because can take steps to get out of it and find healthier dynamics. Knowing the signs of a codependent relationship can help you do just that because you shouldn’t be unhappy.
Definition of Codependency
What’s codependency? Do you mean like when a baby is born and has to be dependent on their parents for survival? That’s not what I’m talking about here, I’m afraid. Codependency in this context refers to a relationship where one person, or both, is excessively emotionally dependent on another person to the point where it becomes detrimental to their health or well-being. In other words, it’s an addiction. And like any addiction, it can be hard to break free from because it has strong emotions attached to it.
Codependency is an unhealthy behavior pattern where an individual relies too heavily upon another person and sacrifices their own needs in order to meet the other person’s needs. Generally, the codependent person has difficulty having healthy relationships with others. Codependent people also feel overly responsible for the actions and feelings of those around them, leading to over-involvement and a need for approval from others. Unfortunately, this cycle often results in unhealthy coping habits such as controlling behavior, enabling, or caretaking.
Overview of The Symptoms and Causes of Codependent Behavior
It is quite often the result of one’s upbringing or past experiences when the idea of interdependence rather than independence is bred; for instance, a child is taught to neglect their own needs for the benefit of someone else. Frequently, it does not become visible until adulthood, when external relationships begin to be heavily affected.
Common symptoms of codependency include low self-esteem, difficulty setting boundaries, difficulty communicating, excessive compromising, loss of self-identity, unbalanced interpersonal dynamics, and difficulty with asserting one’s identity. Common causes of codependent behavior can range from previous traumatic experiences to being raised by overly controlling parents. People who display codependent behaviors should find a therapist or counselor to work through these issues in order to achieve healthier relationships.
Telltale Signs of a Codependent Relationship
If you find yourself solely relying on your partner for validation, financial stability, or a sense of self, then you might be a redneck…KIDDING…in a codependent relationship. Does your relationship feel more like captivity than companionship? Then, you might be…in a codependent relationship. If you find that your partner is the only thing keeping you from self-destructing, then…chances are you’re in a… codependent relationship. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Ninety percent of Americans demonstrate codependent behavior. An individual exhibiting codependency may display an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others.
• They tend to confuse love and pity, often “loving” people they can rescue or feel sorry for.
• Co-dependents typically do more than their share all the time and become hurt when their efforts are not recognized.
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships is also a sign, with individuals doing anything to avoid feeling abandoned by another person.
• Other signs include the extreme need for approval, guilt when asserting themselves, attempting to control others, lack of trust in self/others or fear of abandonment/loneliness as well as difficulty identifying feelings; rigidity; poor communication skills; difficulty making decisions; chronic anger and lying/dishonesty problems with intimacy/boundaries
You Feel Responsible For Your Partner’s Happiness or Feelings
Codependent relationships involve the idea of relying on your partner’s needs for fulfillment and happiness. This is unhealthy as it puts too much stress on the relationship, expecting one person to take care of the other’s needs without considering their own is a big deal. It can also lead individuals to feel overwhelmed or unhappy. A codependent partner neglects their own wants and desires. In order to break out of this pattern, work towards finding new pathways to create your own self-fulfillment so that you are not dependent on your partner.
You Make Sacrifices for Your Partner’s Well-Being
Hopes and dreams are unique to humans, but in a codependent relationship, you give them up to satisfy your inner definition of how you are supposed to love your partner, which is the worst thing you can do for yourself. You’ll regret putting your own wants aside in the long run. You defend the choice to yourself by saying your own ambitions weren’t feasible, or think it will make you happier to make your partner happier, but I’m here to say that it won’t work. It will only further bury you deeper into your own little pit of hell.
You can’t latch onto their dreams and think they will satisfy you. Anger, resentment, and jealousy of what you gave up for them will be inside you somewhere. You may not even recognize them for what they are, or understand where the feelings are coming from. It’s not healthy to rely on others for complete life satisfaction. A relationship cannot heal your own past wounds. You have to work on what you have in front of you. Don’t go looking into the rearview mirror.
You Rely on Your Partner for A Sense of Self-Worth
In other words, your self-esteem is wrapped up in how well your partner thinks you’re doing. Don’t degrade yourself and let someone else tell you how happy you are. Another manifestation: you identify as “we”, instead of “I”. There is a healthy version of “we”, but it can be easy to lose your self-identity when there is no separate sense of self. You may not have been doing it consciously.
If your happiness is contingent on your partner’s happiness and their emotional state directly impacts yours—for better or for worse, then you may be…in a codependent relationship. Learn to love yourself and accept yourself for who you are. This is probably the most important thing you can do for yourself.
You Fear Rejection or Abandonment By Your Partner in A Codependent Relationship
Codependent relationships can be draining, especially when you fear rejection or abandonment from your partner. Your sense of worth and importance comes from your partner’s approval and when that isn’t received, it can be distressing. This fear can be so intense that it triggers anxiety, self-doubt, and a decline in overall well-being. As hard as it may be, try not to hold on to the fear of rejection and learn how to cope with disappointment if it happens.
You Feel Guilty When You Disagree With Your Partner
Whether it’s because you don’t want to hurt their feelings or because you fear their reaction, being unable to say “no” is a hallmark of a codependent relationship.
This can be carried out into general life, too, when you are known as a “people pleaser”. There is an inner sense of guilt when the dreaded “no” come out of your lips because you don’t want to hurt or offend anyone. I had a horrible case of this. I felt that if I just said “yes” and helped anytime and anywhere, I would make others happy and they would like me more. Sounds ridiculous, right? Welcome to my world. Let me tell you the sense of freedom I got from breaking myself of that ugly habit!
It is a combination of excessive caretaking, feeling an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the health of others, and a preoccupation with people and things outside ourselves. I am a registered nurse, so I kinda automatically fell into this category.
There is An Unhealthy Balance of Power in The Relationship
Unfortunately, this is a tie-in to domestic violence. This is how my story of survival began. The man I was seeing needed a place to crash “for a few weeks” and I thought it would be nice to have him here, instead of the back-and-forth. He never left and I almost died.
I can admit my part in how it started now because I recognize that I was so codependent, I had a tendency to go from one relationship, right into the next, without ever taking a break or getting to know myself. I am happy to say that I am now living alone, fiercely independent, and happy. My late husband would be so proud of me!
Recommended Videos About Codependency Relationships
The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood
Listen to this for a better understanding of codependency. It is only 12 minutes long, so listen while you are doing chores or fixing a meal! It is worth listening to!
Gaining Independence in A Codependent Relationship
People in a codependent relationship are frequently “one” person and spend most or all of their free time together. Stick to your guns! Don’t let your partner “show up” when you go out with friends and don’t be tempted to “happen to be” where they go. You may feel like you are missing a part of yourself while you are apart, but you will survive without each other for a little bit, I promise.
In the same vein, if you feel threatened by your partner when you try to enjoy activities without them or they try to sabotage your outing, this isn’t okay. It falls under the definition of domestic abuse. Domestic violence increased during COVID, which is discussed in the Shadow Pandemic of domestic violence. I used to be timed when I went to the store, or even on a run to the pharmacy, which I talk about in my personal story, What is true domestic violence? How I survived the horrors of an abusive relationship
You Struggle to Communicate Your Needs and Feelings To Your Partner
Communicating your needs and feelings to your partner can be difficult. When there is a lack of healthy communication, it can lead to conflict. It can be hard to express yourself in a way that is not misinterpreted. You may feel like your partner is not understanding your point of view. You may be afraid to express yourself for fear of being judged or misunderstood. This can lead to a lack of healthy conflict resolution. You might feel like you are not being heard or that your opinion doesn’t matter. It is important to be comfortable in expressing your needs and feelings to your partner. Healthy communication is key in any relationship. When you are able to communicate your needs and feelings in an effective manner, it can lead to better understanding and healthy conflict resolution. Communicating your needs and feelings can lead to a stronger relationship with your partner.
Your Partner’s Substance Use Disorder Becomes An Issue In A Codependent Relationship
Your partner’s substance use disorder creates specific issues in a codependent relationship. You may find yourself trying to control their behavior or cope with their addiction in unhealthy ways. You may feel hurt, angry, or frustrated when your partner uses substances and have difficulty communicating your feelings. You may become preoccupied with your partner’s substance abuse, neglecting your own needs and wants. You may enable their substance abuse behavior by providing them with money or resources.
You may even begin to use substances yourself in an attempt to cope. I ended up in this category and my first husband and I ended up getting divorced. I am a recovering opiate addict, while my ex is a recovering alcoholic. The dynamic just didn’t work because we were both struggling with addiction issues. I made a promise to my 2nd, late husband, Walter, and have been clean for 3 years, 8 months, and 17 days! I am working on repairing all the damage I made.
You Experience Difficulty Setting Personal Boundaries
Enabling behavior is rarely seen in healthy relationships.
Common behaviors are:
- Bailing your partner out of jail
- Fixing financial problems
- Repeatedly giving him or her another chance
- Ignoring the problem, covering up the problem
- Accepting excuses
- Always fixing ___ problem
- Rescuing them from whatever other trouble they have managed to find
These behaviors are just as damaging as giving alcohol to an alcoholic or buying heroin for an opiate addict. Same behaviors for the same kinds of problems.
This is an awesome quick video about setting boundaries from The Agile Mind.
Love Bombing
Romantic partners in a codependent relationship often “love bomb” each other with excessive attention, affection, and grooming gestures. These might be complimentary words or buying gifts and favors to control the partner. Love bombing leaves a partner feeling emotionally dependent, making them more likely to stay in the relationship. This is unhealthy because it produces an unbalanced dynamic that can’t last long-term because It can eventually lead to burnout and unhappiness for both individuals involved.
There is A Lack of Mutual Respect in A Codependent Relationship
A toxic relationship can be difficult to detect, but one sign of this type of codependent relationship is a lack of mutual respect because respect is not just an expectation, it’s fundamental to understanding what a healthy relationship means. No matter how much two people care for each other, there needs to be mutual respect between the two in order for it to work, because it’s important to make sure that you are with the right person who is willing and able to respect you as you deserve.
Gaslighting and Codependent Relationship
Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation where one partner in a relationship, the gaslighter, seeks to gain psychological control over their codependent partner. This behavior often involves making their partner question themselves and their own memories, reinforcing a lack of trust between the two. Gaslighting within a codependent relationship can be difficult to identify as the codependent person may not have developed strong boundaries or a sense of self. The only viable solution is to end this unhealthy dynamic and seek professional help if necessary.
Gaslighting occurs when one partner lies and deceives for a disempowering level of control. This may be achieved through intimidation, humiliation, and psychological manipulation to give the abuser an upper hand and keep their victim in a confused and dependent state. The effects of gaslighting lead to further isolation, a sense of powerlessness, and self-doubt in victims making it important to recognize these signs and take measures now to end these kinds of unhealthy relationships. To help identify gaslighting, it is important to pay attention to the language used by both parties, the frequency of criticism from one partner, and how any criticism is delivered. For more information, read What is Gaslighting? How Gaslighting is Used in Relationships
You Struggle to be Intimate With Your Partner Emotionally or Physically
Codependency in relationships can make humans feel like they are losing the spark or connection to their romantic partners. Struggling to be intimate physically and emotionally with your partner can cause frustration for both people involved because, without love and understanding, couples could find it hard to get by day by day. Be mindful of your physical needs to have a fulfilling love life – communicate with your partner and practice trust if you’re in an unhealthy cycle of codependency.
Your Partner Feels Threatened By Close Friendships or Other Relationships
Insecurity can put bars around a relationship and make it a prison. Think “Beauty and the Beast”. Beast just can’t believe that Belle could ever truly care for him because of what he is. He made her his prisoner because he was so insecure and felt that nobody, especially a beautiful girl, could love such a “beast”. He thought it was the only way. Beauty tried to escape at first when she didn’t know him. Things changed when she saw who he really was inside. What is the key takeaway from this?
Just Be You. You Deserve Love. You are enough. Life is short, so live it!
Insecurity can also flare up due to a trust issue and if this is the case, you need to check yourself. Do you want to be with your loved one because every moment with them brightens your day, or is there something else that is or is becoming a problem and you are avoiding addressing it because it is painful? Do you trust yourself?
Insecurity regarding the relationship as a whole indicates that there may be a deeper problem because distrust doesn’t just come out of nowhere. Do you not trust where they go or what they are doing? Over time you will resent your “need” to “watch” them and they will too.
You Find Yourself Making Excuses for Your Partner’s Unhealthy Behavior
If friends are asking you why you “put up” with behaviors that your partner is exhibiting or frankly calling them out on it, this is a warning sign. Heed the warning. The longer you allow disrespectful, dishonest, or controlling behavior, the more it will happen and the worse it will get, and your mental health will start suffering, and you could drive right past codependent into a domestic violence relationship.
Red Flags for Codependent Behavior
One of the biggest red flags for codependent behavior is when one partner’s behavior takes precedence over the other’s. In codependent relationships, one partner may act as if they no longer have any control over their own decisions and put the needs of others before their own. The codependent partner may feel obligated to satisfy all of their partner’s needs and wants in order to keep the other person happy, even when it’s to their own detriment.
There are many warning signs that someone may be involved in a codependent relationship, including an inability to make decisions without consulting their partner; disregarding or ignoring personal boundaries; feeling responsible for fixing problems they can’t fix; making excuses for their partner’s unhealthy behavior; and feeling like they need to be the only person who can take care of their partner.
Jealousy can be dangerous and is toxic if a partner is limiting or not allowing activities because they are jealous. Don’t be fooled by: “it’s only because I love you so much”, as that is crossing a line into abuse and can develop into domestic violence. Jealousy is a behavioral control pattern that abusers use.
Love Yourself
Unfortunately, it took me 46 years to learn to do this and I cannot express how imperative it is that you learn that you don’t need anybody’s approval or validation to be you (This applies to social media too, by the way!). Learn to be an individual and honestly LOVE YOURSELF. It is not something you just wake up and do. It is a process, but a worthwhile one. I can truly say that it is the BEST thing that I have ever done for myself.
Overview of Treatment Options for Codependency
Treatment options for codependency vary and can include individual, group, and family therapy. Individual therapy focuses on understanding and working through codependent patterns. Group therapy provides a supportive space to learn from others in similar situations. Family therapy is beneficial to help create healthy boundaries and communication skills. Codependency can also be addressed through self-help groups such as Codependents Anonymous and workshops. Treatment options for codependency can also include lifestyle changes, such as participating in enjoyable activities and building supportive relationships. Additionally, medication may be prescribed when symptoms of codependency are severe or complicated. A combination of treatment options is often the most effective way to address codependency. Treatment options for codependency should be tailored to each individual’s needs.
Advice on How to Begin Healing from a Codependent Relationship
Accept that the codependent relationship is over. Acknowledge the hurt, loss, and feelings of betrayal. Allow yourself to grieve and heal. Reach out for help and support. Talking to people you trust can help you find a healthier perspective. Practice self-care. Start by taking time for yourself. Exercise, eat healthily, and get plenty of sleep. Make a commitment to yourself to become strong. Identify codependent patterns and behaviors. Understand your role in the codependent relationship and make a plan to change unhealthy behaviors. Find healthy outlets for your emotions. Journal, draw, and express yourself in a healthy way. Let go of the codependent relationship. Focus on what you can control. Don’t blame yourself or the other person. Focus on the present and your future. Don’t dwell on the past. Find meaning in your experience. Don’t give up. You can heal from a codependent relationship.
Online Resources For Codependent Relationships
Codependent relationships require close connections, true love, and quality time with one another. There are online resources available to help! For example, The Hotline offers guidance free of charge (https://www.thehotline.org/). QualityTime-ESP helps couples to reconnect (https://www.qualitytime-esl.com/). TrueLoveToday allows couples to share their feelings and gain clarity (http://www.truelovetoday.com/). And SelfGrowth has articles and support for creating healthy relationships (https://www.selfgrowth.com/topics/codependent-relationship). With these resources, users can learn about codependent relationships and ways to maintain close bonds with their partners.
Online Support Groups for Emotional Support
Online-Therapy.com provides the perfect solution for people looking for emotional support and guidance. Online therapy services involve accredited therapists who can connect with clients easily, no matter where they are located. Through Online-Therapy.com, users can have individualized therapy sessions at their own pace and at a preferred time. We also have a 20% coupon for everyone today to get started with Online-Therapy. Don’t wait – sign up now and get the help you need for your relationship before it’s too late!
Professional Services and Counseling Programs
Codependency is an addiction—plain and simple—and like any addiction, it can be hard to break free from without getting help from somebody who understands what you’re going through. If you think you might be in a codependent relationship, recognize that it’s not your fault and that there IS something you can do about it! It may help to at least start by talking to somebody who will understand and can offer impartial advice; somebody who isn’t invested in the outcome of the situation. Sometimes it helps to see things from a different perspective because not all codependency is unhealthy. Family or couple’s therapy helps you determine if your relationship is a problem. It is a matter of finding the line.
Books About Codependency
Unlock the power of self-care and understanding with Codependent No More. This bestselling modern classic by Melody Beattie guides readers through the journey of codependency, providing compassionate and insightful insight on how to break free from unhealthy behaviors in order to care for yourself first. Learn how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself, so you can find peace and joy in your life. With this book, you’ll be able to create healthier relationships, gain a better understanding of codependency, and learn to trust your own instincts.
The cultural phenomenon that has helped heal millions of readers, this modern classic holds the key to understanding codependency and unlocking its hold on your life.
Codependency for Dummies by Darlene Lancer is an excellent resource that provides the reader with easy-to-understand information about codependency. This comprehensive guide answers all of your questions related to codependency, including what it is, why people become codependent, signs that you might be codependent, strategies for recognizing and addressing codependency, and much more. If you’re looking for a reliable source to get started on understanding yourself or someone else better, then this book is perfect for you.
Your trusted guide to value yourself and break the patterns of codependency
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