How To Deal With Grief: The Day Cancer Took “My Walnut” Away
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Today is October 23, and it is my “Walnut’s” (late husband, Walter) birthday. Happy Birthday, hubby! Being a “23er” was one of our things. My birthday is on November 23 and we were 10 years and 1 month apart (he was the old fart, lol). He would have been 59 today. He was my soulmate on every level, so it aches deep, deep down to be walking this earth without him.
He and I agreed that we were the human equivalent of quantum entanglement. I could feel in my bones that he was hurting even when he was downstairs. Our connection was one I will cherish forever. He helped me on the road to change – and I had quite a bit that had to be remedied. He stayed by my side to cheer me on and encourage me to keep going. I couldn’t have done it without him.

Before he died, he said he only had a couple of wishes for me. He more than anything wanted me to be happy and at the time I just looked at them and stared across the room wondering how in the world I could ever go on without him there because we were one person. He also begged me not to go back to drug use and end up dying of an overdose, especially since he fought so hard to stay on this Earth. The least I can do is live life for the both of us now. I am a recovering addict. Thank you Walter.
We worked really hard to make the marriage what it became – marriages are hard work! Which led to his being my soulmate. My everything. I was once asked if it was worth it because I knew that he had terminal cancer when I married him. My answer is absolute, 100% yes. I got to experience true love – A love so deep and so interconnected that it was an amazing experience and no matter how much I may hurt now it was worth it. I know you didn’t come to hear about how much I was loved. Losing loved ones HURTS.
Losing Loved Ones Hurts
I recently had another couple of losses, where my birth mom and her husband died from cancer months apart. My Walnut and I lived 2 miles down the road from them. I met my birth mom, Squirrel, on my golden birthday. I found out that I was the middle of 3 daughters, but the only one put up for adoption. Talk about a mind FU**. I mention it because It is another form of loss for a person and grieving is involved. So how do you grieve?
My friend just lost her 12-year-old daughter. I tell myself to be grateful that I didn’t have to go through a horror like that. Take your blessings when they arrive.
Walter succumbed to pancreatic cancer 3 years, 6 months, and 25 days ago – I am still grieving him and the hole it has left inside me. How does someone move on when the person that they connected with on all levels leaves this earth? I’m an R.N. and I thought I knew, but it turns out that I was just as clueless as the families of patients I had counseled over the years.

Grieve The Loss
There is no one right way to grieve the loss of a loved one. Some people may want to be around others and talk about their feelings, while others may prefer to be alone. Some people might cry a lot, while others might not cry at all. Believe it or not, laughter can be a way to grieve. The most important thing is to do what feels right for you.
Don’t let grandma tell you that what you are doing isn’t acceptable. Unless of course, you dive straight into numbing the pain with drugs or alcohol, because that is only covering it up for a short period and not addressing the problems underneath. Please seek help if you are misusing substances. They don’t solve anything and will most likely cause much more pain in the long run. Trust me. I know.
How to deal with Grief:
How to deal with Grief: Allow yourself time to mourn
Don’t try to rush the process or pretend like you’re not grieving. Give yourself time to feel sad, angry, frustrated, and any other emotions that come up.
How to deal with Grief: Seek out support from friends and family members
They can offer comfort and support during this difficult time. My family had a “Celebration of Life” for my birth mom and her husband. This is what I want my family to do for me. Get together and laugh. Celebrate my accomplishments and the people who I helped while alive. Dance to some music and let it all out.
How to deal with Grief: Talk about your loved one
Share memories and stories about them. This can be helpful in keeping their memory alive. Create a page on social media “in memory of…“
Some people go a step further and dedicate a plaque, tree, or building – or create a foundation so that others can learn what a great person they were, not just to you. Walter was seriously the kindest, most giving man I had ever met. He gave even when it negatively impacted us, but how can you fault someone for that? I loved him even more. I learned enough to carry me through life to carry on his work.
How to deal with Grief: Find an activity that brings you comfort
It helps to stay busy. Maybe it’s yoga, painting, or hiking – whatever it is, find something that helps you cope with your grief. I got a membership to Spotify and pretty much drowned myself in music for a while. It helped me to gather up all of that negative emotion and get it out. I still listen to many of the “feel good” songs that we both loved while picturing him completely “dancing it out”, broken hip and all (and I thought I had a high pain tolerance!).
How to deal with Grief: Allow yourself to feel emotions as they come up
Don’t try to bottle them up or suppress them. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or frustrated. In the rush of everyday life, people feel the need to “just move on”, “get over it” or “forget about it” – well I am here to say that it definitely isn’t as easy as it sounds. You may think that you are ok and have processed and things are “okie dokie” – HA!

The pain of grief can hit anytime, anywhere. You probably won’t be ready when the flood hits, but know that it is normal and by recognizing grief for what it is, you can work through it. It is supposed to hurt, but it won’t hurt forever.
Let me rephrase that a little bit: it will hurt at different times throughout the rest of your life, but as you get accustomed to dealing with it, the periods of grief will be shorter and easier to recover from. At least this has been my experience so far. I expect that it is different for others though.
How to deal with Grief: Take care of yourself both physically and emotionally
While you are dealing with the emotional toll grief has on you, don’t forget to take care of your physical needs too. Get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, and exercise. When our bodies are healthy, it helps our minds to be healthy too.
If you find that your grief is interfering with your ability to function day-to-day or if you are having suicidal thoughts, please call the national suicide hotline at 988 and seek professional help. There is no shame in getting the help you need to get through this tough time.
It hurts
It hurts so much to lose someone. Especially when they were a big part of your life. You can’t help but feel like there’s a big hole in your heart that will never be filled. I was Walter’s wife, but as an R.N., I was also Walter’s caregiver. Like so many out there, I was the one up all hours of the night and on my feet every hour of the day to make sure that his needs were met. When he died, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

All you can do is grieve and mourn the loss. I thought that I was ready because we knew what was coming for many years before it happened. We discussed every angle and what to do. He made it abundantly clear that he wanted me to find somebody else (he believed that everyone has more than one soulmate) and to be happy. Grief is a process that takes time. Be patient with yourself. Allow yourself to grieve in a way that feels right for you.
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